As the Guys Who Can't Stop Talking About Warcraft Party candidate for president of the United States, I am subject to irksome levels of scrutiny. My critics say I have not been properly vetted. Even though most of them think "vetted" means "examined by an animal doctor," I feel it's important to answer their charges so that you, America, know who I am, what I stand for and where I bathe.
It is true that I have been cordial with a former domestic terrorist and political radical. I was 8 years old when he committed his crimes, and so was he. My contact with him was limited to working together on the school play, the occasional game of four square and admiring his Evel Knievel wind-up stunt bike. I did not know that he was plotting attacks on the Pentagon and Toys 'R' Us in his spare time, and I still don't. I'm like a goldfish that way; I turn around and, whoop, it's a blank slate.
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It is true that my youngest child is not mine, and is in fact my daughter's. Actually, none of my supposed children are mine. They're all my daughter's, including those older than her. And herself. She's a naughty girl.
It is true that I was involved in a bribery scandal. However, I have been exonerated twice: I have been exonerated of the original crime, and then exonerated of bribing the panel that exonerated me. Charges that I bribed the second panel to exonerate me of bribing the first panel to exonerate...
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